From Welfare to CEO - How to Retire the Story You Tell Yourself
As a coach, mother, wife, friend, leader I am struck by how often we interpret events in our lives a certain way then play to those stories until they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This can be good if the story is empowering and positive. All too often it is not. It’s as if we get sucked helplessly into someone else’s story that flips quickly to the last page where the ending reads the same for us every time – disappointment.
Several years back I was a stay-at-home mom with four children under seven-years-old living the country club life on the surface but was in an unpalatable marriage. I filed for divorce as a leap of faith and six months later the children and I were on welfare, food stamps and medical assistance, homeless, and without an automobile. I did the big, “Why me?” I kept waiting for justice that doesn’t likely come when you represent yourself in court. I was certain my children would never go to college and I would be considered a failure as a mother.
When a problem arises we search for a solution. When our solution doesn’t happen and we keep repeating the same strategy with the same result we develop a learned victimization whereby the message we tell ourselves is that the problem is permanent, widespread and is personal to us. “I’ve done everything possible and nothing works.” “Everyone else has more experience.” “I’ll never have enough time to do that.” Once we are stuck in this constricted perspective we don’t spot opportunities because we keep fast forwarding to the doom and gloom ending. “I’ll be stuck here forever.”
The truth is most problems have multiple solutions. The pinhole view doesn’t open to a fresh perspective when we must constantly defend against the situation being personal – not solvable.
It’s difficult to retire the doom and gloom ending. The pattern needs to break for you to regain power. The moment you identify the urge to relive that story in your head is the very moment that I call the mindful Pause-Café Moment –where you notice yourself reaching for the same story, pause, breathe deeply and say, “Let me think of another way to interpret this.” Here, the constricted pinhole broadens.
The Pause Café Strategy
P – PAUSE and take a deep breath.
A – ASK myself, “What am I really afraid of?”
U – UNTANLGE the difference between emotion or truth.
S – STEP BACK and consider this from a broader perspective – let the pinhole view open.
E – EXTEND EMPATHY to yourself then to others.
The ability to reconsider a problem in a Pause Café Moment opens you to new perspectives and opportunities. We must first notice the victimization in the moment to break the pattern. Mindful practices such as deep breathing, meditation, gratitude, and daily intentions help us notice that clearing.
Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way and accepting what is without judgment. It is living in the moment without guilt from the past or worry of the future. Mindful practice helps us become an observer of our thoughts without inserting ourselves into the emotion of a situation and becoming the emotion. Mindful practice helps you slow down and not cringe when you see that colleague who makes you feel judged. It opens you to accept yourself without their approval and to compassionately understand that they must be struggling with their own demons because, after all, happy people do not hurt one another.
In this clearing a perception shift arises. “I didn’t get the job I wanted but maybe there is something else better that I just haven’t found yet.” “I don’t have experience in that industry but I have a lot of leadership experience and could learn the industry far more quickly than someone else might learn to lead.” “It’s true we are close to deadline but if I focus on just these key initiatives I can be ready.”
When I discovered the Pause Café my life changed. I halted the court process, regained personal power and funneled my energy into me. I mentored under mavens to learn new skills. I volunteered to get experience. I reach out as a servant leader and made lifelong connections. Within two years I was CEO of a hospital foundation with no prior paid experience and recruiters were calling me.
Catch yourself when you start to take on the victim narrative. Allow yourself a Pause Café Moment. Imagine someone taking that book right out of your hands and giving you an empty journal. What's another way to tell the story? You are the hero in this tale.
Download my FREE Flow-on-the-Go Week at a Glance Guide. THIS is the tool that caused me to uplevel my career from welfare to CEO of a $24 million organization, marry the love of my life, enjoy more time with my family, prioritize myself and sleep better. No lie. Just click here.
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