When Another Person Makes You Suffer
Sadly, we internalize and personalize someoneâs negativity toward us because we donât see their suffering at the root of their behavior. We think itâs us. Many of my clients are dealing with command and control bosses and colleagues who posture with personal agendas in cultures where bureaucracy and cynicism are the norm. Â
Know this - happy people do not hurt one another. If someone is disrespectful in how they deliver feedback they are unhappy and trying desperately to push that unhappiness on you. The problem for them is this fear based leadership never brings them happiness yet they keep executing the same way at your expense. They canât turn inward and address their unrest. They turn away from pain with anger and push it outward either overtly or with passive aggression. Very sad existence for them. Donât make their problem yours.Â
It is your choice whether or not to hear feedback as an opportunity and take positive action or wear the disrespect like you own it, entirely discoun...
Mean Leaders and Executive Presence
Iâve never understood why overbearing people think they have power. Itâs obvious they donât. Nobody trusts them or authentically has their back. They are always exhausted trying to make themselves look good at otherâs expense. Their insecurities reek in their behavior. And their leadership has no sustainable affect because the people they play to are the first ones off the ship when it starts to go down. Â
If you canât achieve your goals without manipulating, controlling, condescending to, backstabbing, and intimidating other people along the way youâre weak and you will ultimately fail. Period. Iâve seen it in corporate America time and time again. It may not be right away. But it will happen. And your legacy will precede you everywhere you go after that.Â
The real problem with mean people is that they are intrinsically unhappy, insecure and have minimal self-awareness. The root feeling behind their behavior is anger coupled with an uncomfortable sadness they donât want to deal with...
This Happened Sunday
Two nights ago I didnât recognize myself. I got home from a wonderful weekend at the beach to find that all the packages that had been delivered were left in the rain in my driveway instead of on the porch. Many of my Christmas card envelopes had gotten stuck together from the moisture and I had been shorted 25 of them.
As I sat there putting labels on envelopes and trying to pry apart envelopes without ruining them I heard myself say, âI hate doing this. I donât even know why I send Christmas cardsâ followed by a few words I canât even write down. Â
Now, this is not me. I think all year about the photos on my Christmas cards. Itâs my way of sharing a joyous hello. I love opening the cards from friends. Â
Finally, my husband had to tell me, âOK, thatâs enough nowâ to shake me awake from my funk.Â
Perfection. Holidays inspire perfection. And that inspires expectations. And that inspires unmet expectations. And that inspires let-down and stress. We get these preconceived notions in o...
Hateful People at Work
I saw this license plate in front of me at a traffic light this morning while I was stopped in front of a church, talking on the phone with my daughter who is experiencing âmean girlâ behavior at work. I decided it was a sign đ and sent her the photo. (Also, it's not often that we see a car from North Dakota in Pittsburgh.)
Happy people donât hurt one another. Never lose your executive presence and get emotional with hateful people. They hate themselves far more than they hate you. Their internal barometer is far more angry than you could ever feel toward them. Donât become them. Donât defend against them. Youâll only look small. Smile and say, âHelp me understand what you mean by thatâ as you give yourself space to remember that youâve got this.
If you want more executive presence tips hereâs a link to my FREE report:Â 31 Success Practices for Leaders in the High Stakes Corporate WorldÂ
Your coach,
Mary LeeÂ
P.S. Feel free to forward this email to someone who...
At first I didnt believe this.
At first I didn't believe this graphic. Be careful how you interpret your responsibility for an unhappy personâs environment. I do believe as leaders we have to nurture our team culture and provide a safe place for mistakes to happen without shame. I believe we must encourage and be accepting. But when someone is stuck and their behavior is disrespectful and uncalled for boundaries are necessary. We donât own or placate someone elseâs bad behavior or it just enables more bad behavior. If we constantly need to rescue someone from themselves by making excuses for them or declaring that others do the same and cater to them weâll be rescuing and enabling for a very long time. And the person being rescuedâs behavior will only get worse as will their unhappiness.
Itâs not our job to fix the flower. Itâs our job to create boundaries around what we will and will not allow for ourselves. We canât change them. Only our own behavior. That creates a healthier environment for everyone.
If you wan...
Six Steps to Protect Yourself from Drama
When there is drama in our lives it involves other people and our emotional reaction to them. If you are miserable at your job, the situation likely implies a boss, colleague or group of people is at its root. If you repeatedly avoid situations you most likely dodge a person who you feel strips your power. If you commonly find yourself angry with someone, it is probably because you feel a need to defend against how they make you feel.
Donât Personalize Their Behavior
We think people cause our sorrow. Not so. Our interpretation of another personâs actions - our emotional response to having been judged - is what really makes us unhappy. We personalize their conduct. We make it about us. We judge back. We feel left out. We become needy for approval. Right now, there is someone personalizing your behavior that youâre not even aware of.Â
Recognize Your Own EgoÂ
If you feel that another personâs conduct makes you feel less than you are, thatâs your ego screaming out for validation. Thatâ...
Anger is a Mask for This
Anger is always a mask for a sad feeling we are turning away from because it makes us uncomfortable and feel unworthy. Invite the discomfort and sadness you avoid in closer - so close that you can feel it, smell it, taste it, touch it. Describe it in detail. This disarms itâs power and the anxiety of avoidance melts to acceptance.
Here you can stop running and finally relax. You become a third party observer to situations that used to threaten you without inserting your heart and emotions into the center. Your relationships and sense of fulfillment shift upward. Your executive presence soars when you arenât afraid of what might happen. You accept and value yourself as is without needing to be perfect. Thatâs a good life.
If you are ready to get off the treadmill to nowhere and have peace, confidence, executive presence, career advancement and high performance in the face of challenges, personal agendas, cynicism and bureaucracy request a free consultation call to see if coaching is a...
Six Acts that Build Executive Presence in a Difficult Moment
If you have ever been in an escalating conversation that is confrontational you know how hard it is to maintain composure when your heart starts racing and every nerve ending in your body is screaming âDanger!â With practice you can be the master of your own behavior in these high stakes moments, pacify yourself and be the respected colleague people notice has grace under fire.Â
When youâre first aware that a situation is getting combative that is the sign to switch tracks before youâre on the runaway train of freeze-fight-or-flight. This is when your reaction becomes physiological - Â your voice quivers, your palms get sweaty, and your heartrate elevates. Most people fear that this lack of physical control will show and undermine their effectiveness. Itâs important to regain control of your bodyâs reaction by accepting what is going on with you and creating space for it to calm down. Turning away from the discomfort is not the answer.Â
Six tips to help build your executive presence i...
When Drama Overwhelms You
Youâve seen it at work and at home. Someone is anxious about something and suddenly you are feeling anxious too. You know this isnât healthy and that you shouldnât feel this way which only makes it worse. Now youâre self-judging for not distancing yourself from the drama and begin to doubt your own effectiveness. You start losing sleep and wake up in the middle of the night, running the dayâs conversations over in your mind. Â
Lately, Iâve been feeling overwhelmed and sucked in by another personâs angst. Drama is created when a person canât accept the way they feel so they try to externalize it or put that feeling off on others, usually in a highly demonstrative or desperate way. This behavior provides them a temporary yet unsustainable relief from their discomfort. Thus, they continue the drama dance to try to unload their despair.Â
I notice I have been feeling anxious and assuming the anxiety of this person. Iâve begun thinking that I wonât be able to accomplish what I need to get ...
When They Threaten to Make You Look Bad
Last evening a client told me a story of how a customer was being condescending and threatened to report her to her boss in a truly snotty way over something that didnât make sense. My client felt under siege and desperately asked her not to do that. The customer is doing it anyway. I suggested three things:
- Never act desperate. Never. You have no power after that.Â
- Write down the script of the conversation between both parties word for word (donât just tell him), put it in front of your boss and ask one thing, âDo you have my back?â Trust must occur between manager and direct report or your culture is crap.Â
- The next time anyone threatens you, confuses you, accuses you or makes you feel undone ask one question, âSo that we are clear, what is it that you really want?â Most unhappy people donât know and will try to deflect. Just keep asking the same question. This is your home base.Â
My client said that if she had asked her customer this question the customer probably wo...