How Honesty Saves Time and Builds Executive Presence
Jasonâs boss is the new CEO of a company that has not met budget for two years. The organization is merging with two other organizations, making the culture guarded and tentative. Jason is afraid his position isnât secure because the CEO continually questions his opinions and doesnât affirm that he brings any value to the team. Additionally, the executive management team is posturing at their weekly meetings whereby one dominant personality is allowed to single him out with criticism outside of her authority. Jason is feeling judged by his boss and threatened by his peers.Â
How we conduct ourselves in a tense situation is paramount to how we are viewed as a leader. Maintaining executive presence is extremely challenging when you feel as if you are negatively critiqued. Self-management is key. Being honest with yourself and others is the first tenet to presence. We must be vulnerable enough to accept our discomfort internally before we externalize it with defensive behavior, aggression...
How to Deal with Anger from Your Divorce
I spent a lot of years angry. Very angry. I was in a neglectful and abusive marriage as a stay-at-home mother of four children under seven-years-old. On the outside it looked like we were living the country club life while in reality my life was unpalatable. Every day I felt as if a noose around my neck was choking my ability to breathe. Finally, I filed for divorce as a leap of faith and was completely unprepared for the avalanche to come.Â
Within six months of filing for divorce my husband placed his businesses into bankruptcy on loans I had cosigned. He canceled his childrenâs and my health insurance but not his own. Our home which was nearly paid off and in the most affluent suburb of town went up for Sheriffâs Sale whereby 100% of the proceeds went to offset his business debt. The bank repossessed my minivan, not his car. And I had to chase him through the courts for a child support and alimony award at its highest of $269 a week â which he appealed. The children and I were homel...
Don't Fake that It's Ok
Positivity is a powerful concept but not a strategy. Pretending that you have a positive attitude when it is inauthentic is exhausting. And it doesnât work. When you canât get think positive and sustain it even though everyone tells you to be positive you feel worse - another failure. Â
Honor the hurt. Go deeper with it. Own it. Name it. Blame all you want. Realize the shame. Write about it. Journal about it. Tell someone. Get it out. We can release what we own. When you own your feelings, you can purposely RELEASE the negativity. Otherwise it keeps hanging around.Â
Next, name what you feel you DESERVE - happiness, career, opportunity, love, friendships, etc.Â
Open yourself with vulnerability to ACCEPT all that is good and that you deserve. It means releasing the expectation that failure and negativity will continue. Be curious about the process. Yes, itâs scary not knowing how the story will end. But so is a life of negativity.Â
Youâve got this. Youâre awesome!
Listen to a recent...
At first I didnt believe this.
At first I didn't believe this graphic. Be careful how you interpret your responsibility for an unhappy personâs environment. I do believe as leaders we have to nurture our team culture and provide a safe place for mistakes to happen without shame. I believe we must encourage and be accepting. But when someone is stuck and their behavior is disrespectful and uncalled for boundaries are necessary. We donât own or placate someone elseâs bad behavior or it just enables more bad behavior. If we constantly need to rescue someone from themselves by making excuses for them or declaring that others do the same and cater to them weâll be rescuing and enabling for a very long time. And the person being rescuedâs behavior will only get worse as will their unhappiness.
Itâs not our job to fix the flower. Itâs our job to create boundaries around what we will and will not allow for ourselves. We canât change them. Only our own behavior. That creates a healthier environment for everyone.
If you wan...
Six Steps to Protect Yourself from Drama
When there is drama in our lives it involves other people and our emotional reaction to them. If you are miserable at your job, the situation likely implies a boss, colleague or group of people is at its root. If you repeatedly avoid situations you most likely dodge a person who you feel strips your power. If you commonly find yourself angry with someone, it is probably because you feel a need to defend against how they make you feel.
Donât Personalize Their Behavior
We think people cause our sorrow. Not so. Our interpretation of another personâs actions - our emotional response to having been judged - is what really makes us unhappy. We personalize their conduct. We make it about us. We judge back. We feel left out. We become needy for approval. Right now, there is someone personalizing your behavior that youâre not even aware of.Â
Recognize Your Own EgoÂ
If you feel that another personâs conduct makes you feel less than you are, thatâs your ego screaming out for validation. Thatâ...
Anger is a Mask for This
Anger is always a mask for a sad feeling we are turning away from because it makes us uncomfortable and feel unworthy. Invite the discomfort and sadness you avoid in closer - so close that you can feel it, smell it, taste it, touch it. Describe it in detail. This disarms itâs power and the anxiety of avoidance melts to acceptance.
Here you can stop running and finally relax. You become a third party observer to situations that used to threaten you without inserting your heart and emotions into the center. Your relationships and sense of fulfillment shift upward. Your executive presence soars when you arenât afraid of what might happen. You accept and value yourself as is without needing to be perfect. Thatâs a good life.
If you are ready to get off the treadmill to nowhere and have peace, confidence, executive presence, career advancement and high performance in the face of challenges, personal agendas, cynicism and bureaucracy request a free consultation call to see if coaching is a...
When Drama Overwhelms You
Youâve seen it at work and at home. Someone is anxious about something and suddenly you are feeling anxious too. You know this isnât healthy and that you shouldnât feel this way which only makes it worse. Now youâre self-judging for not distancing yourself from the drama and begin to doubt your own effectiveness. You start losing sleep and wake up in the middle of the night, running the dayâs conversations over in your mind. Â
Lately, Iâve been feeling overwhelmed and sucked in by another personâs angst. Drama is created when a person canât accept the way they feel so they try to externalize it or put that feeling off on others, usually in a highly demonstrative or desperate way. This behavior provides them a temporary yet unsustainable relief from their discomfort. Thus, they continue the drama dance to try to unload their despair.Â
I notice I have been feeling anxious and assuming the anxiety of this person. Iâve begun thinking that I wonât be able to accomplish what I need to get ...
When They Threaten to Make You Look Bad
Last evening a client told me a story of how a customer was being condescending and threatened to report her to her boss in a truly snotty way over something that didnât make sense. My client felt under siege and desperately asked her not to do that. The customer is doing it anyway. I suggested three things:
- Never act desperate. Never. You have no power after that.Â
- Write down the script of the conversation between both parties word for word (donât just tell him), put it in front of your boss and ask one thing, âDo you have my back?â Trust must occur between manager and direct report or your culture is crap.Â
- The next time anyone threatens you, confuses you, accuses you or makes you feel undone ask one question, âSo that we are clear, what is it that you really want?â Most unhappy people donât know and will try to deflect. Just keep asking the same question. This is your home base.Â
My client said that if she had asked her customer this question the customer probably wo...
9 Questions to Ask Yourself Before a Major Decision
This list is a guide for when you need to test your aspirations that require a major adjustment to your life and career. Itâs a reality check for change. Grab a pen and get started.Â
- Am I happy? Itâs a simple yes or no question. If the answer is ânoâ then follow with this, âHow will I change my perspective and/or situation to create happiness?â Life is short. Donât have an accidental career or life.Â
- What does my gut say? Your head is too intellectual. Your heart is too emotional. Trust your instinct.Â
- Does this change align with my values and those of the people it will affect? Write down your values? Write down the values of important people in your life. You might have to sell this change. Know the benefits to all parties. And know who it will hurt. Is it worth it?Â
- Am I making this change to run away from something? Change for the sake of change is a mistake. Youâll find yourself in a similar situation feeling the same way in a few months wanting to start over ...
Undoing the Wicked Toll of Comparing Yourself to Others
Recently I listened to a client who is struggling in her marriage discuss how difficult it is to watch other happily married couples. I understand the feeling. I spent a lot of time in my first marriage wishing I had what others had and comparing myself to them as well as enabling bad behavior by making excuses for him. Then my third child was born with a developmental disability and I used to sit at playgrounds comparing her to other children while somewhat insensitively pushing her and her therapists like machines because I became so outcome focused.Â
What I realized is that when we compare our lives to others and grasp at what isnât ours we lose sight of all the good things we do have and this strips our fulfillment. This âless thanâ focus keeps us from letting go of what boundary maven Dr. Henry Cloud calls ânecessary endingsâ to allow for things to bloom in our lives. A healthy rose bush needs to be pruned for new buds to grow. If not, scraggly stems shoot out in all directions b...