When They Don't Talk About It
We personalize other peopleâs behavior in an effort to guard against their wrath. This isnât helpful. Your colleagueâs frustration, anger, condescension or dismissiveness might be vented at you but is not rooted in you. There is nothing wrong with you because someone treats you poorly. Good people know how to communicate without making you feel small.Â
Try asking them this: âIf we were to have a better working relationship what would that look like?â This forces them to articulate action not victimization.Â
Then donât speak or interrupt. Say only, âTell me more about that.âÂ
Let them feel heard. DONâT defend yourself - just repeat back what you heard. In there words will be things they are likely wrong about. But let them be validated.Â
Ask them if they want a better working relationship with you. This is important because if they say âyes,â which they likely will, now theyâve made a commitment. Then align on at least one thing.Â
Behind their bad behavior is an assumption theyâve ...
5 Executive Presence Calming Strategies for the Moment You're Confronted
Your day is going well. Youâve done your research and are a maven on your project. Youâre in a meeting and out of nowhere someone blindsides you with cynical inuendo, overt criticism, passive aggressive posturing or their personal agenda. Your body gets stiff. Your face feels flushed. Your heart is racing. A voice inside your head is screaming, âDanger!â And then in your own defense you do or say something you later regret.
Weâve all been there.
Some people can weather these situations without losing their presence. Others cannot. The difference is that some people have trained themselves to be able to notice what is happening to them, both emotionally and physiologically, lean into it with curiosity as opposed to away in fear, and allow the immediate physiological and emotional response to subside so they can respond appropriately.
Initially, you may think you donât have time for this transition to take place before you need to react. Like most things, with practice and technique y...
When You Can't Let Go of the Past
In my executive coaching practice I see wonderfully talented clients suffer from life messages dished out by inept bosses, well meaning family members, and misguided colleagues. We donât thrive when we are controlled from the outside in. We thrive in our natural mindset - from observing the outside world and accepting ourselves internally no matter what. Â
If someone chooses to be biased or unkind, their behavior says more about them than you. But sometimes we internalize the outward world and make it personal to us. That leaves us a victim.Â
The only way to deal with this is to build self-awareness so that you can see when you start to interpret other peopleâs behavior as the root of your feelings. âIâm unhappy because my boss never appreciates me or my family always held me back or my coworker triangulates the office against me.âÂ
Separate assumptions from facts. When you sense assumptions made in desperation from a mindful third-party perspective like a fly on the wall, you can c...
This Week My Clients Are Struggling With This
As I look back on the challenges my clients are dealing with this week I see two common themes - difficult people and lack of clarity.Â
First, people are difficult for one reason - they are insecure and unhappy. That shouldn't become your problem, but often difficult people exude what looks like confidence. This gets them promoted to high level positions. That perceived confidence is a smoke screen to hide what is behind the sand they kick up. Underneath they feel unqualified, ineffective and ultimately that they may lose respect, their job and be alone. Knowing this your goals are:
- Consistently, make sure they know you have their back even though they will never have yours.
- Be in alignment with what they value. "Since I know this is important to you......."
- Stay off their radar screen. Don't play into their chaos. Don't meet with them unless necessary. Give them choices as it underscores their power. Don't posture to be favored. Let others live in the chaos.
- If you feel you are ...
If you want to be promoted this matters.
Iâve been an executive coach for more than ten years and I definitely see trends. The people who get hired, advance, are well liked, get promoted, are invited and welcomed almost always are the hardest working people in the room. Itâs by no means everything. As a matter of fact almost all of my clients come to me with this trait. But itâs a foundation that canât be taught and usually coincides with outstanding character - two highly sought after qualities in the work world. These are tenets of highly coachable and engaging leaders. Marry these with vision, execution, working smart, likability and emotional intelligence and you have excellence. Â
The entitled people are not respected. The difficult people are not welcomed. The lazy people are not revered. And the complainers are not liked.Â
Congratulating you today for your work ethic. You are among an elite group. Bravo!Â
If you are struggling with uncertaintly and feel exhasuted and ineffective watch my FREE Training on Three Ways ...
Six Steps When You've Internalized Their Bad Behavior to be About You
So often we internalize peopleâs negative behavior toward us as something wrong with us. If your uncertain about someone's pensive perspective on you follow these steps.
1. Schedule a meeting with the other person with the purpose of creating a better working or personal relationship. Do not handle this through email.
2. Tell her you hope you are wrong yet you sense judgment from her. Ask him what you could do to improve the relationship.
3. Listen for opportunities for self-improvement. Ask her what she believes her role is in aligning the relationship.
4. If after you have done this her behavior doesnât change, she doesn't own her part in the misalignment or she wonât even meet with you itâs time to let go of your expectations of her. Unrest always lies in expectations. Having them is useless and out of your control. Goals you can affect are far better.
5. Release your desire for a healthy relationship with him and start managing him like a difficult person. The relationship may...