When Relationship Issues Tear Your Heart Out
I have a client who is struggling hard in her marriage right now and it reminds me about the stake we take in dreams. Pain and suffering are real and raw when they hit our emotions yet we justify that the situation might not be that bad because we care about someone and the thought of losing them threatens our ability to be strong and rips at our dreams - in this case the dream of happily ever after. Â
Make no mistake - there is no âstrengthâ in putting up with something that doesnât feel right and isn't showing any sign of gettng better. That is denial. As much as you love someone if they have it in them to tear out your heart that is a choice and they are not a victim of circumstance. Communication is key. If there is none, you have a problem. If the other person doesn't choose to improve the communication and passive agressively makes you the issue that is a serious red flag.Â
Separate the person from the dream. The dream can still be realized. Maybe it didnât work in this instanc...
When Someone Makes You Look Bad at Work
If you work anywhere you likely have had a colleague try to make you look bad. Most of my clients have had to struggle with this. It is disempowering and injects a fear of losing your job which ultimately leads to a fear of losing people who you love. This is where executive presence is crucial. This is where you donât react at all. This is where you just pause, stare at them for a count of five and then ask, âAre you trying to make me look bad?â That will stop them dead.
Call them out with curiosity for exactly what they are doing. Donât characterize them, get angry or defensive. Simply ask them if what it looks like they are doing is in fact what they are doing. If they deflect back to you say, âOk, I wanted to get clarity on that because for a minute it felt like you were trying to make me look bad.â No one can argue with how you feel.
This scenario gives you a few moments to recenter yourself, for people on the periphery to validate in their minds what is truly happening, and for...
Do This One Thing to Minimize Conflict
Most conflict in the world comes from the need to be right - even the conflict you have with yourself. Your ego tells you that you arenât safe unless youâre right so you argue, defend, act out, withdraw or stand firm on something that most likely is out of your control.Â
When you find your opinion is a little too strong or thereâs a feeling that makes you uncomfortable thatâs the very time to pause and ask yourself, âWhat am I trying hard not to face? That Iâll be _________ if this doesnât change?â
Draw closer to the nasty feeling that chases you down. Name it. That disarms itâs power. âThis is what it feels like to feel ______.â Then give yourself a break. âMay I be gentle with myself in this moment. Iâve got this one.â
Youâre amazing. Donât ever forget that.
Here is a free tool to help you navigate your career in a complicated corporate setting:Â 31 Success Practices for Leaders in the High Stakes Corporate World.
Your coach,
Mary Lee
P.S. Feel free to send this link to someone...
Two Questions to Ask When the Issue is Generational
I hear so much in our culture about the differences in the generations. I even hear people identifying themselves by a generation. I think itâs wise to understand peopleâs differences but I think identifying someoneâs behavior with a certain generation is no different than identifying them with a race, religion, sexual orientation, or national origin.
When I hear, âMillennials are the way they are because their parents spoiled themâ or âBoomers canât keep up with technologyâ I wonder how comfortable people would feel saying, âHispanics are the way they are because their parents spoiled themâ or âCatholics canât keep up with technology.â Calling out by generation to make a point is elitist, discriminating and insulting.
When you find in a conflict that you are putting someone in a generational box before you characterize them ask yourself,Â
âWhat do they really need me to understand about them in this moment?âÂ
Also, when someone else pulls the generational card to make a point you ...
High Tech Meet High Touch
High Tech meet High Touch. There is so much being done in companies around diversity and inclusion - which are not at all the same thing by the way. But I see little focus in either area to include AGE.Â
Five generations are in the workforce right now and there is so much to learn from each other. Roughly 40% of US workers have a boss who is younger than them.Â
How do we stop discounting the sage worker who has wisdom, mentoring skills, intuitive experience, relationship building acumen and historical perspective bar none? I have clients with expertise beyond compare in these areas who are being forced out as if their skills are passĂ©. So unwise. Profoundly foolish.Â
If you fall in this category and would like my white paper on how to avoid age bias feel free to email or message me at [email protected]. Or if you want to know how to better utilize this age group in your company the same article will make it clear.
Letâs all open our thought and minds for the good of all of ...
When Ego Gets the Best of You
When we compare and judge we are allowing our ego to dictate our standards. Nothing will ever be good enough in this state because it is a fear based posture. In this space we are not playing to our strengths, we are playing to someone elseâs. We are not authentic, we have sold out to shiny objects and fairy tales. We have lost sight of what makes us unique only to trail two steps behind what our ego reminds us we should have but never get.
When my daughter was diagnosed with a developmental disability I used to sit at playgrounds and compare her to other children, leaving me devastated. When my marriage fell apart I continually asked myself why others were happy and I was so unlucky. When I built my coaching practice I used to study what other coaches did to market themselves, trying something new each week.
Then I defined my life by my own standards. Empowerment was the result. I researched and got my daughter the therapies she needed whereby she went to college on a schola
...Disarm the Bully with Your Game
Last evening one of my clients was suffering because of a colleague who was bullying her. This bully was sucking her energy and high performance right out of her. I was so happy for her to watch her become a mindful third party observer of the bullyâs behavior such that it even made her laugh.
Losing your cool is as bad as withdrawing. Both render you ineffective. Both dummy down your authentic risk taking ability. People notice both.Â
When you play it safe or are reactionary you are playing THEIR game. Play YOUR game. Pause. Critical think. Observe what is behind the mask. Be curious. Then get back to your strengths.Â
When the bully senses that you are holding it together his or her behavior will escalate. That is where you become amused. Just stare at them. Observe. It can be quite entertaining.
May you become a silent witness to all your experiences, including your personal history. Thatâs power. Thatâs executive presence.
Do you want to advance in your career and it just isn't...
Six Steps When You've Internalized Their Bad Behavior to be About You
So often we internalize peopleâs negative behavior toward us as something wrong with us. If your uncertain about someone's pensive perspective on you follow these steps.
1. Schedule a meeting with the other person with the purpose of creating a better working or personal relationship. Do not handle this through email.
2. Tell her you hope you are wrong yet you sense judgment from her. Ask him what you could do to improve the relationship.
3. Listen for opportunities for self-improvement. Ask her what she believes her role is in aligning the relationship.
4. If after you have done this her behavior doesnât change, she doesn't own her part in the misalignment or she wonât even meet with you itâs time to let go of your expectations of her. Unrest always lies in expectations. Having them is useless and out of your control. Goals you can affect are far better.
5. Release your desire for a healthy relationship with him and start managing him like a difficult person. The relationship may...
When Controlling Yourself is the Most Difficult Part of the Conflict
    Nearly all conflict in the world stems from one simple necessity â and it isnât the need to win. Wars, corporate battles, department squabbles, and relationship foes are rooted in the same deep-seated need â the need to be right.
    Compound the need to be right with an ineffective ability to persuade others to believe you are right can lure in feelings of inadequacy and, in extreme cases, an overwhelming feeling of threat. Not only are our emotions running wild with fear, anger, and frustration a physical reaction begins to occur.
    When we sense we are in danger our body gears up to protect itself. You may have noticed your heart racing before a big presentation or your throat tightening as an argument escalates. This is the body preparing itself for what is called âfight-or-flight,â an immediate physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event. This was helpful when a local tribe was about to descend on your cave. Not so much in the board room....
Three Questions to Eradicate Conflict
When I see conflict in the workplace it often relates to turf. Someone feels threatened. Something is at stake. Some compromise needs to be made that leaves people uncomfortable. And people retreat to their respective corners to protect their territory. After all, change means giving up something - Right?
Not always. Change often means opportunity. But opportunity is hard to see when shielded by the blinding rays of pride. And pride is the rose-colored sunglass of fear. âIâm not afraid. If he/she would just ___________ (do their job, not expect so much, leave things alone, be nicer to me, show respect) this problem would not be happening.â
When you are involved in conflict and feel the adrenaline rush grip you in a panic just pause. If you practice this, over time, you will be able to increase that âPause CafĂ© spaceâ between when you feel fear and negatively react to it, compromising your executive presence. In the pause moment ask yourself the following questions to diffuse the situ...