This Week My Clients Are Struggling With This
As I look back on the challenges my clients are dealing with this week I see two common themes - difficult people and lack of clarity.Â
First, people are difficult for one reason - they are insecure and unhappy. That shouldn't become your problem, but often difficult people exude what looks like confidence. This gets them promoted to high level positions. That perceived confidence is a smoke screen to hide what is behind the sand they kick up. Underneath they feel unqualified, ineffective and ultimately that they may lose respect, their job and be alone. Knowing this your goals are:
- Consistently, make sure they know you have their back even though they will never have yours.
- Be in alignment with what they value. "Since I know this is important to you......."
- Stay off their radar screen. Don't play into their chaos. Don't meet with them unless necessary. Give them choices as it underscores their power. Don't posture to be favored. Let others live in the chaos.
- If you feel you are ...
If you want to be promoted this matters.
Iâve been an executive coach for more than ten years and I definitely see trends. The people who get hired, advance, are well liked, get promoted, are invited and welcomed almost always are the hardest working people in the room. Itâs by no means everything. As a matter of fact almost all of my clients come to me with this trait. But itâs a foundation that canât be taught and usually coincides with outstanding character - two highly sought after qualities in the work world. These are tenets of highly coachable and engaging leaders. Marry these with vision, execution, working smart, likability and emotional intelligence and you have excellence. Â
The entitled people are not respected. The difficult people are not welcomed. The lazy people are not revered. And the complainers are not liked.Â
Congratulating you today for your work ethic. You are among an elite group. Bravo!Â
If you are struggling with uncertaintly and feel exhasuted and ineffective watch my FREE Training on Three Ways ...
When they say, "Just get over it."
Yes, we want to help our loved ones and friends who are suffering. But, how do we help someone âget through it?' How do we help them move on and resume their lives as they were before crisis or tragedy. How do we help them usher in something new that they may never have experienced before - something that might be interesting and/or rewarding.
For a long time we thought we were showing strength to suck it up and just move on. The military bred this concept into the armed forces until they realized it wasnât helpful and actually was quite damaging. When we deny our feelings and try to push past them they get further buried only to resurface with triggers - triggers that keep coming more frequently. Triggers, such as a painful memory, sound or situation, place us right back in thick of the emotion that we never reconciled.
People who are hurting donât need you to fix them. They just want to know you care and are there. Just be with them. Often their discomfort makes us uncomfortable so...
The Cost of Being Guarded at Work
When I turn away from the truth in my heart I armor up against what is real and then only a facade of myself is evident to others, stripping my executive presence. The really hard part is that it takes twice as much energy to keep up the facade so Iâm feeling not only guarded but exhausted. The sad part is that I become so good at the facade that I lose site and concept of who I really am. Others start describing me as someone I donât know. And I start to wonder what happened to me. Â
This big knot of inauthenticity is unwound by leaning into to the very feelings we assume make us weak. The truth is that naming the very feelings we avoid - sad, confused, judged, abandoned, angry, tired, ineffective - disarms their power and opens a window so that clarity may breeze in. It starts with staying present in the moment and not fast forwarding our thoughts to worry about what âmightâ happen.Â
Wishing you vulnerability and openness today.
If you are struggling with uncertainty and feeling i...
Do you need a mentor?
Some leaders think they need to formally engage a mentor, advocate or sponsor to advance. Not so. The best of these for me never knew I considered them such.
Sometimes I created a friendship whereby we supported each other in different ways - me being curious, listening and being honest and them opening doors because they wanted to help me.
Some of my mentors never knew me. I simply observed them, their values, their presence, their leadership and their struggles.
And sometimes I asked people to lunch or called them to answer specific questions that I had thought through ahead of time to make good use of their time. Your best teachers are right in front of you. Self-awareness and executive presence build by observing others and then observing yourself.
My clients define leaders they admire and then list why. They watch YouTube videos of presentations and read their material.
Wishing you one person you admire you will study today.
>>> If you are ready to get off the treadmill to n...
When You Know What to do But Can't
Youâve read what the experts say. Youâve collected the necessary tools. You are committed. You are trying. Yet nothing changes. And you feel stagnant.Â
When I was a divorced single mother of four children under seven-year's old on welfare, food stamps and medical assistance, homeless and without an automobile I didnât have time to go back to school to learn a new profession. I had four hungry mouths hanging open in front of me like baby birds.Â
Failure wasnât an option. I decided to cease seeking what was âfairâ, stop throwing money away on lawyers and accept that it was a far better use of my energy to focus on succeeding as the sole provider for my children than to expect family court to give anyone a conscience.Â
I had to put a plan together to hold my family together. I felt anxious, rejected and exhausted. I canât tell you that I thought much about planning. There wasnât time for ideal, only real. There wasnât room for perfect, only good enough. I knew what I was good at and I ...
You Have No Problem Starting Over â Finishing is the Problem
Willpower. You have it. You are dedicated. You start with the best intentions. And then you fizzle out. So, you start changing things just for the sake of change â thinking change is better than doing nothing. And you soon find out that the same old feelings loom and the same behaviors repeat â just in another setting. You feel overwhelmed.Â
What is the feeling you are running from? I hope you know because it is taking up a lot of space in your head that you would rather fill with joy. It is robbing you of peace and lacing your days and nights with anxiety. You might think it is fear of failure. But what will happen if you fail? What is the ultimate, deep down devastating result that could happen? You lose the love of those who matter? You will be alone? Youâll be powerless? Isnât it time you stopped practicing failure in advance in your head?Â
Slow down
You know you are on the treadmill to nowhere when you repeat the same thoughts and actions and the only result you realize is exha...
What to do With Melancholy
Iâve had a very melancholy week. Iâm selling my childhood home for my mother, listing my uncle's home for sale (the home my mother grew up in) to help my mother as executor of his estate, and saying goodbye to a majestic era. This photo is of the beautiful patio of The Hotel Excelsior Grand Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy where we stayed several years ago and reminds me that each day has a sunrise and a sunset for a reason. Itâs a metaphor for life. Just as the sun has to set in orderly rise again, some things have necessary endings so there can be new beginnings. Â
When we grasp onto an ending because we donât want it to go away itâs like reaching against nature, leaving us forever unsatisfied because what we want is impossible - the energy is against us. Â
Honor the memory. For me that means taking the birdbath from my parentâs backyard to my backyard and thinking of my dad who loved to birdwatch every time one of them shakes water from its wings. Â
When we are gentle with ourselves a...
Stop Grasping and Copying with this Question
What does success look like for you? Itâs different from how it appears to anyone else, Nonprofit Professionals Advisory Group founder Laura Gassner Otting tells Gretchen Rubin.
âYou canât be insatiably hungry for other peopleâs goals, for other peopleâs definitions of success.â
I watch people constantly grasping for shiny objects - thinking they need to copy what others are doing. This leaves them exhausted and always playing catch-up. When people stop copying and start observing themselves their awareness increases as does their executive presence. They risk more. Their confidence grows. Results start to occur and pretty soon they are shining in their own space, not the shadows of others. Wishing you the courage to slow down and listen to your heart today.
Go for the promotion, new job, side hustle, opportunity. Define your signature strengths, your value proposition and your personal mission. Replace doubt with your empowering belief that is true to your core not extrinsic ass...
The First Question to Ask
Yesterday I asked an executive client who is seeking a new position, "What is the biggest thing you did in your current organization in the last year?" He wasn't sure. The question brought him anxiety. After a coaching session he was fully versed in a high-performance answer but until that question he had not defined his value for himself. He had been questioning his value when he is acutely strategic and effective. This lack of self-esteem had been holding him back from applying for jobs in his transferable skill areas and from pitching himself from a position of worth as opposed to passively.
Don't start your job search by researching online for openings. Start by answering this question. Your response should be quantifiable. That means it should reflect an increase or decrease in something, including an amount and percentage.
Too often people cannot equate their value to a metric. If you can't do this you cannot position your value proposition. Surely whatever you are workin
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