Eight Questions to Set a New Start in Motion
New Yearâs Eve has come and gone. Itâs a funny night. You are left with a twinge of remorse and a twinge of hope. People migrate to parties and streets with champagne in their hands surrounded by 150 of their closest friends to watch a ball drop anywhere from 10 to 141 feet, while they try to forget that they didnât accomplish last yearâs resolutions and set lower bar resolutions for the coming year. Truly the happiest people of the evening are the cabbies who are out in scores to drive all the partiers home where they welcome the next day with a headache, little recall of their pared back resolve which sounds something like âI will not drink caffeine when the Penguins have a full healthy rosterâ and a pork shank that needs to be roasted.
Most resolutions donât come to fruition because they are merely notions. âI will lose weightâ and âI will get a new jobâ are notions. âI will go to the gym for an hour three times a weekâ and âI will define my transferable skills and create a matr...
Undoing the Wicked Toll of Comparing Yourself to Others
Recently I listened to a client who is struggling in her marriage discuss how difficult it is to watch other happily married couples. I understand the feeling. I spent a lot of time in my first marriage wishing I had what others had and comparing myself to them as well as enabling bad behavior by making excuses for him. Then my third child was born with a developmental disability and I used to sit at playgrounds comparing her to other children while somewhat insensitively pushing her and her therapists like machines because I became so outcome focused.
What I realized is that when we compare our lives to others and grasp at what isnât ours we lose sight of all the good things we do have and this strips our fulfillment. This âless thanâ focus keeps us from letting go of what boundary maven Dr. Henry Cloud calls ânecessary endingsâ to allow for things to bloom in our lives. A healthy rose bush needs to be pruned for new buds to grow. If not, scraggly stems shoot out in all directions b...
When Relationship Issues Tear Your Heart Out
I have a client who is struggling hard in her marriage right now and it reminds me about the stake we take in dreams. Pain and suffering are real and raw when they hit our emotions yet we justify that the situation might not be that bad because we care about someone and the thought of losing them threatens our ability to be strong and rips at our dreams - in this case the dream of happily ever after.
Make no mistake - there is no âstrengthâ in putting up with something that doesnât feel right and isn't showing any sign of gettng better. That is denial. As much as you love someone if they have it in them to tear out your heart that is a choice and they are not a victim of circumstance. Communication is key. If there is none, you have a problem. If the other person doesn't choose to improve the communication and passive agressively makes you the issue that is a serious red flag.
Separate the person from the dream. The dream can still be realized. Maybe it didnât work in this instanc...
When Someone Makes You Look Bad at Work
If you work anywhere you likely have had a colleague try to make you look bad. Most of my clients have had to struggle with this. It is disempowering and injects a fear of losing your job which ultimately leads to a fear of losing people who you love. This is where executive presence is crucial. This is where you donât react at all. This is where you just pause, stare at them for a count of five and then ask, âAre you trying to make me look bad?â That will stop them dead.
Call them out with curiosity for exactly what they are doing. Donât characterize them, get angry or defensive. Simply ask them if what it looks like they are doing is in fact what they are doing. If they deflect back to you say, âOk, I wanted to get clarity on that because for a minute it felt like you were trying to make me look bad.â No one can argue with how you feel.
This scenario gives you a few moments to recenter yourself, for people on the periphery to validate in their minds what is truly happening, and for...
A Client Letter - You're Bad Leader
Below is a note I recently received from a client that although makes me sad, it carries great wisdom. This high performing executive leader was leaving an organization she loved and had relocated for with mixed feelings. As is often the case, she was leaving because of her boss.
Good morning Mary Lee,
I have one more week reporting to this woman that has made the last 14 months of my life incredibly difficult. The exit process has been even more difficult.
In 20 years in the workplace I have never experienced anything like this from someone at this woman's level.
Every leader has opportunity, but I do not believe there are many who behave as badly as what I have witnessed over the past year.
I am also amazed how her leaders look away, an ostrich to this woman's behavior. I am not personalizing this (thank you Mary Lee), I understand it is simply inconvenient to disrupt the status quo or face the difficult conversations or the admit that perhaps it was a mistake to promote her...
One Thing for Your Well-being, Career Efficacy & Executive Presence
Two years ago on a cold December day I felt stressed and overwhelmed so I made a commitment to do something about it, not unlike what many people do as the New Year approaches. I ordered a very expensive and really pretty planner. (Since when did planners start costing $85?) About a week into it I found myself writing mindful daily practices in the margins to hold myself accountable. Three weeks later I was writing my daily goals in the margins too. Four weeks later I was recreating the entire page, ignoring what was on it.
Five weeks into it I tried another planner. Two weeks into using that one I was now writing in the margins again â my gratitude thoughts, how I was feeling â daily practices that help release the negativity we often donât spend time processing and then canât let go of. (Dreadful feeling.) I already had a calendar for my to-do list and appointments. I needed a planner for my well-being and big goals.
Over two months I ordered six different planners trying to find ...
Do This One Thing to Minimize Conflict
Most conflict in the world comes from the need to be right - even the conflict you have with yourself. Your ego tells you that you arenât safe unless youâre right so you argue, defend, act out, withdraw or stand firm on something that most likely is out of your control.
When you find your opinion is a little too strong or thereâs a feeling that makes you uncomfortable thatâs the very time to pause and ask yourself, âWhat am I trying hard not to face? That Iâll be _________ if this doesnât change?â
Draw closer to the nasty feeling that chases you down. Name it. That disarms itâs power. âThis is what it feels like to feel ______.â Then give yourself a break. âMay I be gentle with myself in this moment. Iâve got this one.â
Youâre amazing. Donât ever forget that.
Here is a free tool to help you navigate your career in a complicated corporate setting: 31 Success Practices for Leaders in the High Stakes Corporate World.
Your coach,
Mary Lee
P.S. Feel free to send this link to someone...
Two Questions to Ask When the Issue is Generational
I hear so much in our culture about the differences in the generations. I even hear people identifying themselves by a generation. I think itâs wise to understand peopleâs differences but I think identifying someoneâs behavior with a certain generation is no different than identifying them with a race, religion, sexual orientation, or national origin.
When I hear, âMillennials are the way they are because their parents spoiled themâ or âBoomers canât keep up with technologyâ I wonder how comfortable people would feel saying, âHispanics are the way they are because their parents spoiled themâ or âCatholics canât keep up with technology.â Calling out by generation to make a point is elitist, discriminating and insulting.
When you find in a conflict that you are putting someone in a generational box before you characterize them ask yourself,
âWhat do they really need me to understand about them in this moment?â
Also, when someone else pulls the generational card to make a point you ...
The Two Things That Kill Careers and Happiness
We continually strategize on the things we need to do to advance our careers, close the sale, be happier, have better relationships and get what we want. More often than not it is what we need to cease doing that gives us the most power.
- Donât discount your dreams.
I used to live life from a âbut at least itâs not ______â perspective. I thought this was being positive because I could always think of something worse. This was an OK way of remaining optimistic in the face of adversity until it became habit for all of life and halted my ability to envision the openness of wonder.
It wasnât until I was aware of this that I began to risk shifting to the vulnerable choice of exploring joy without expecting it to be short lived. To ushering in opportunity that I knew was meant for me without holding onto fear. To seeing all that was there with the curiosity of a child. This ability to stay in the moment without fast forwarding to an anticipated ending broke open the world for me. It p...
I'm Feeling Anxious
Iâm feeling anxious today. I have committed to take two journeys simultaneously that will
1) Iâm taking a six-week Dreamwork Coaching Program with master Will Sharon to help my executive coaching clients further build their conscious awareness, peace and effectiveness. Itâs not for the faint of heart. It requires online training, hours of classes, work with a partner and more.
2) Iâm taking a Podcast Fellowship Program with a colleague of Seth Godinâs to learn how to launch my first Podcast series around âNew SMART Leadership.â
I asked myself, âOk Mary Lee, what would you ask a client in this position?â The answer is that Iâd ask her to execute the PAUSE Cafe strategy...
I PAUSE and take a deep breath.
I ASK myself, âWhatâs going on with me?â Iâm feeling scared that I wonât be able to manage my time and will feel stressed. I feel vulnerable because I am not good with technology, have no skills in either subject matter area and feel vulnerable about what my dreams may say about ...